In Him: A Journey through Darkness

I walked past my art studio with a sideways glance before I continued into the next room. It had been a week since I'd been in there and I didn't want to even look at it, never mind walk in there. 

It had been a week. Inside of me was a mix of hope and doubt, faith and anger. I was exhausted. My husband had just gone through Hurricane Ida on a tugboat down near New Orleans and my mom was diagnosed with metastatic cancer a day and a half later.

I didn't want to talk, in fact I only would speak to two friends that week at all, as well as my mom, kids, husband and sister. While I was fully aware that I cannot change any of these circumstances and that they aren't even mine to carry, the despair of even walking alongside my mom made me feel like I would surely break. 

Our week had been spent driving back and forth to infusion treatments, not quite knowing what to expect and yet expecting the worst. The battle in my mind was a waging war filled with the fire power of fear, of dread and of absolute despair. 

I was exhausted. Each time I closed my eyes to sleep the worst images of what might be to come filled my mind, chasing peaceful rest away and filling me with fear of the very thing I needed most - rest. 

So I walked past my studio not wanting to enter it. The last thing I wanted to do was co-create with the One who had let this happen. It's so odd, looking back just a few weeks to that time - while I was leaning on Him, studying His word, praying and communing with Him - I was still resentful and definitely didn't feel like hanging out. 

Because my studio is most often where we do that, you see. In that space He meets me where I am and we play, we share ideas, we cry, we laugh and through me He puts into this world small glimpses of things that haven't been seen before. (For more on how that started, catch up with me here)

And I wanted no part of it. 

"This is what you do, Maureen. You create from the inside, just get in there and let's do it. This is your purpose and you tell others to do it all the time. Remain in Me," I heard. "Come back to Me, share with Me what's in you and I promise I have something to show you."

So resentfully, I slipped into the space and sat down. 

And I cried. I let the build up of the hardest 5 days of my life pour out of me and as I turned my head to find a tissue, my eyes fell upon a round black wooden panel I had prepared months ago. 

I picked it up and had to chuckle. Dark. Infinite round perfect circle of darkness, how appropriate. That is exactly how I felt. But when I was about to toss it back aside, God started talking. 

He said...

John 1:5 
That light shines in the darkness, and yet the darkness did not overcome it.

...and so I added light to the dark background, quite messily. It felt freeing. Messy and bright on black - I loved the contrast. 

Matthew 5:16 
16 "Your light must shine before people in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.

This is me doing that. This is me shining. I'm not okay and it's O.K. for me to not be O.K.! I'm still here expressing this and someone will see that...

In these darkest and most fearful moments of my existence, I'm meeting with God and letting Him carry me, show me what He needs me to know and expressing it so it might reach someone else and serve them...

    

John 15:1-8 NASB20 
1 "I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. 2 "Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every [branch] that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. 3 "You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. 4 "Remain in Me, and I in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit of itself but must remain in the vine, so neither [can] you unless you remain in Me. 5 "I am the vine, you are the branches; the one who remains in Me, and I in him bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. 6 "If anyone does not remain in Me, he is thrown away like a branch and dries up; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. 7 "If you remain in Me, and My words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 "My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and [so] prove to be My disciples.

I began heat embossing background pieces to layer up in black, as well as an array of vine flourishes and layered floral sprays in my most favorite, tranquil shades of teal and aloe...

Jeremiah 17:7-8 
7 "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, And whose trust is the LORD. 8 "For he will be like a tree planted by the water That extends its roots by a stream, And does not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought, Nor cease to yield fruit.

This may be a hard time, but He will get us through it. He is light and His light shines through me. I don't have to love this, I don't even have to like it -what I must do is lean on Him and trust everything that I cannot see and know He is at work here...

...and I do. 

1 Corinthians 7:20
20 Let each one remain in the same calling in which he was called.

This is where we've been called. This is the path we are walking on and I am so grateful to God for pulling me into the studio that day and sharing His heart for me, with me. Creating with Him that Saturday morning was a turning point in all of this. 

I needed it. 

I think too often we compartmentalize our troubles and our rejoicing - we praise when things are great or when we feel our prayers have been answered the way we want, but we get angry and tend to turn away from Him when the going gets rough and/or we are brought to hard places we have to trudge through. 

What I see in all of this is that there is a plan. There are miracles everywhere, every single day.

To be straight, my prayer for the last month hasn't just been that this doesn't happen and that there is no cancer and to not make us walk through this. That might sound crazy, but it just hasn't been. It started out that way, but soon became that same prayer Jesus prayed in the garden of Gethsemane...

 In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus utters his agonizing prayer, “Abba, Father, for you all things are possible; remove this cup from me; yet, not what I want, but what you want.”

Not because I'm a saint; I'm not. Not because I'm fearless; I'm definitely not. 

But because I've seen His work, I've seen His goodness and I trust Him. I know that no matter what comes, He's here in this with us and He's working. I have seen His goodness in the hardest of times, I've seen His light in the darkest corners of existence and I know that in spite of these circumstances His will and His goodness is ultimate and above ALL. 

And so we journey on in Him. We move forward on this path to which we've been called. We trust Him. We shine for Him and others do see that. We don't shine for them, we shine for Him. 

We trust His will, we drink from the cup we've been asked. We see His light in the darkest times and we rejoice that He is doing His thing, which is way better than our thing. 

We hold onto every moment together and enjoy one another. We laugh, we pray, we cry and we prank each other. We keep walking in our purpose and how it fits here and now - not the way it was, we're doing a new thing. 

We live. 

We are not who we were just over a month ago, but you know what? I don't even think we want to be. This is where we've been assigned and we will be fruitful, trusting this refining process. 

We carry one another through hard days and we celebrate every moment. My mom is a warrior. Watching her peace through her diagnosis, seeing her move through her days, her infusions is the most inspiring thing I've ever seen and I get to be right with her through this. She is strong in Him and watching her faith flourish and shine bright for others is the most beautiful light I've ever witnessed. 

He will shine in it all. We are purposed and in Him we remain.