Art of Play: In the Beginning...

 I felt so lost, so out of touch with myself. 

Depression had reared its ugly head again. Panic attacks were becoming a normal thing to contend with...

...again. 

It was 2017 and anxiety, depression and I were no strangers by any means, but I thought I was on the other side, I thought we were estranged, old friends. We had grappled before during different seasons of my life; as a young adult, as a new professional and then after I had delivered my second baby. Having been through a few rounds of work with amazing therapists, surely I had enough coping skills to get through this on my own. 

Now, though, I wasn't really certain what the crux of the issue was. I couldn't pinpoint it. What I did know was that I felt a major discontent with just about everything, extremely lonely and with a constant feeling like I was ready to jump out of my skin. I had my faith, but even that felt strange in those days. 

"Why? Why, God? What's happened to me?" I cried. 

I felt joyless. 

He said, "What did I give you that gave you great joy?"

"I can't remember." I  thought. I wanted and needed desperately to remember. 

"I do," He replied. "I gave you words and curiosity. I gave you a love for creativity. Remember?"

I did remember. It was true. When was the last time I had been creative? Like, freely? Not in a forced sense, under the confines of trying to produce something, but just in the joy of making? Like I used to...

I couldn't remember. And what did this have to do with anything, anyway?!?

"Remember?!?" I felt Him nudge. "Don't you remember how that made you light up from the inside?"

I did. Recalling spare nuggets of time just playing in my craft room or at the table, dabbling here and there with whatever brought a glimpse of that joy I used to feel. 

"I can't do that anymore. I'm so far from where and who I was in that season." I said. 

God replied, "Well, you're the one crying joylessly asking me about your joy. I'm telling you that's the answer."

I sat and thought some more. 

Then He said, "Do you think you could just try?"

Okay. "Ok, God. I'll try. I'll do it, you're right." I decided then and there to devote any spare time to practicing my creativity. Not creativity for production, not for perfection's sake - I would just make time and space to create something every day; to try, to experiment, to play. 

I started an art journal, a sacred space where I could create just for the joy of "creating". And God met me there. 

As I created more and more, He met me more and more. Issues around feelings of lack of acceptance and inauthenticity, rejection, comparison, perfectionism, purposelessness started rising to the surface; feelings I didn't even realize I was battling were bubbling up during each session, but He was there, keeping me going. 

It sounds crazy, believe me. I know. 

He would meet me and He was stripping all of that away, false feeling by false feeling, mending those broken parts of me and showing me, prompting me, guiding me and aligning me with truth, with the "what now?" and the "what's next?".

I had no idea then where that creative play would go - it didn't matter, I wasn't concerned with it. I was playing and He was healing me in that. It became a form of worship as He was pruning the areas of my life that were toxic, that no longer served and as He did, He revealed to me who and what no longer fit. 

And He revealed to me who and what did. 

I began to feel whole again; mended, purposed, less afraid, more inspired and far more curious. 

I was lighting up again. I was expressing my true self, growing less and less concerned with who thought what about it. In that surrender to Him He guided my steps further and further into this practice, showing me who, what and where...

...and I was being healed. I was growing, meeting Him more often, trying new things and developing my art. It would be a couple years down the road that Candle & Mirror Creative would begin - I never saw that coming, I had no idea what He was going to do.  

 With everything in me, I knew I couldn't keep the "play" to and for myself.  I know there are so many others with struggles, scrambling toward a recovery they can't seem to find, or worse - unsure if a recovery actually exists. So many in this broken world feel bored, numb, over-busied and completely uninspired going through the motions of the day to day with no vigor, feeling lost from themselves. As I would play, I would think of them and empathize. 

Then He said, "You could help others access this, you know. What if you use this to help others, too? To feel their joy again? We can do that, I'll show you how....for now, though - let's play."

And so we played. 

****

Special note:

After the first launch of the Art of Play in early 2020 (three years after the accounts I've shared above) following all the stretching and challenges that the year brought us - this outreach and ministry is undergoing its own pruning and re-launch. I've shared bits and pieces of what started the beginning notions of it, but as we move forward into a new beginning I felt stirred and inspired to share this very real and vulnerable story of its true creation. 

When people start to talk about hearing from God, we get squirmy - don't we? I'm all too aware, believe me. Perhaps that is why I held off sharing this publicly for so long. Being completely transparent it needed to be told. It's the truth. 

I share it so people can see beyond the logo and into the heart behind it. I share it so others can see beyond the creative, joyful woman who plays with paints and inks and creates beautiful mixed media art and can get to know the woman I was at the beginning - a little lost, very sad and not knowing how or where to begin. It's crucial. 

This isn't a story to share an arrival or overcoming; this is a story about BECOMING, as that process is never ending.

It's also important to note - the Art of Play has its purpose, but that purpose is NOT licensed art therapy. That needs to be made crystal clear. While it's therapeutic in nature and has many benefits, I am not a licensed art therapist and will never pretend to be. In fact, I have friends in the mental health field and a range of professionally licensed resources should any  participants express a need for such things.

I share this out of absolute integrity. 

Equally important to note, however, is that not everyone needs therapy or professional help. Often what people need is relationship and community, encouragement and to know they are seen & understood. That is a large part of what this outreach is all about - to just build relationships through creative fun.

Maybe you relate to what I've shared. Or, on the contrary, maybe you haven't experienced anything like it at all and are just looking for something else, another hobby or thing to do in your down time to help you relax. Either way, you'll get something from it. I'd bet you'll get a lot.  

Creativity feels good and the encouragement and guidance to build a practice of creative play is worth giving a shot. I'd love to meet with you. 

For more information about online sessions {coming soon} please visit this page. You can also e-mail me at candleandmirrorcreative@gmail.com for more information, for answers to your questions and to see if this is a good fit for you and/or your small group.